Blonde Jokes

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Q: How does a blond kill a fish?

A: She drowns it

Q: how does a blond kill a bird?

A: she throws it off a cliff

Q: what is the difference between a misquito and a

blonde?

A: when you slap a misquito it will stop sucking.

Q: why are blondes like pianos?

A: when they're upright, they're grand

Q: Why does a blonde drive a BMW?

A: Cuz she can spell it...

Q: What do you call a blonde holding a Helium balloon

A: Siamese twins

Q: How Do You Confuse A Dumd Blond?

A: Put Her In A Room Shaped Like A Circle And Say Go Sit In The Corner..

Q: Whats The Difference Between A Dumb Blond And A

Dead Shunk On The Road That Both Got Hit By A Car?

A: The Shunk Has Skidd Marks In Front Of It..

Q: What is the mating call of the dumb blonde?

A: "Am I drunk yet?"

Q: What is the mating call of the red-head?

A: "Are all the blondes gone yet?"

Q: Why didn't the blonde change her babys diaper for

a month?

A: Because the package said good for up to one

month.

Q: why is a blondes coffin "y" shaped?

A: because as soon as they hit their back-their

legs open.

Q: Why does a blond wear hoop earings?

A: To have someplace to hold her ankles.

Q: How is a blonde like a a bottle?

A: They're both eymty from neck up

Q) Why is the speed limit for blondes 68?

A) Because at 69 they blow a rod!

Q: What's the difference between a Doberman pinscher

and a blonde with PMS?

A: Lipstick.

Q. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

A. She opens the car door.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Set her down at a Macintosh computer, and tell

her to right click on something.

Q: How did the blonde die while drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

Q: Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine

cabinet?

A: Because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping

pills.

Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?

A: When they fall on their backs they're both

screwed.

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

A: Way to go team.

Q: How do you know that a fax came from a blonde??

A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back!

Q: One day the Social Studies teacher asked a blonde

to name all the capitals in the United States Of

America.

A: The blonde said easy U.S.A.

Q. What does a U.F.O and an intellegent blonde have

in common?

A. You always hear about them... but you never see

them!

Q: What is it when you hear this:

vroom. screach. vroom. screach. vroom. screach.?

A: A blonde at a blinking stoplight.

Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

A: She was trying to make up her mind!!!

BLOND INVENTIONS

1.The solar power flashlight

2. Dehydrated water

3.Fire proof matches

Q: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave to her.

Q: What was she doing there in the first place?

A: Raking leaves

Q: How do you make a group of blonde's commit mass

suicide?

A: Put mirrors at the bottom of a pool.

Q: What's covered with blood and lies in a ditch?

A: A brunette that told too many blonde jokes!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollor bill on

her head

A: All you can eat under a buck!

Q) What did the blonde do when she broke her tuperware?

A) Called the plastic surgeon.

Q: What is 500 ft. long and has an IQ of 40?

A: A blonde parade!

Q) Why don't blonds use vibrators?

A) It chips their teeth.

Q) Whats the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A) Not everyone has been inside a 747

Q: Why did the blonde smile everytime there was a

flash of lightning?

A: She though someone was taking her picture.

Q: Why do Blondes wear Pony-Tails?

A: To hide the Air Valve!

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the

street. The brunette says, "Look, a dead bird."

The blonde looks up and says, "Where!!"

Q: What do you call a pimple on a Blonde's but?

A: Brain Tumor

Q: What's the advantage of marrying a blonde?

A: You get to park in the handicapped zone.

Q. Why did they inven tilt stering wheels

A. To give the Blondes more head room.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in

the corner.

Q. What to you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A. A wind tunnel

Q. What do you call 4 blondes lying next to each

other?

A. An air-matteress

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of

a pool.

Q: What do you call a blond at the bottom of a pool?

A: An air bubble

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put spikes on her shoulder pads!

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted flakes!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?

A: Alone!

Q: Why do blondes shoes say TGIF?

A: Toes go in first!

Q: Have you heard about the new shirts made just for

blondes?

A: They come with an instruction manual. LEFT

ARM,RIGHT ARM, HEAD, FRONT, BACK.

Q: How does a blonde kill a bird?

A: Throws it off a building

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Q. What did the blonde customer say to the waitress

taking her order?

A. (reading her nametag) "Debbie, that's cute. What

did you name the other one?"

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A. Last year's hide and seek winner.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she

was pregnant?

A: I wonder if it's mine!

Q. Why can't blondes make Kool-Aid?

A. Because they can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts

of water into that little package.

Q. How do you make a dumb blonde laugh on Thursday?

A. Tell her a joke on Tuesday!

Q. How do you make a blonde's eye twinkle

A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q. There are three girls, all in grade 3: one a

brunette, one a redhead, and one blonde. Which one

of them has the best body?

A. The blonde, because she's 19.

Q. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?

A. With a tire gauge.

Q. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

A. Tits Go In Front.

Q. What do you call two blondes behind a steering

wheel?

A. Dual Airbags

Q. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of

Cheerios?

A. Wow! Donut seeds!

Q. How do you confuse a dumb blonde?

A. You give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to

alphabetize them!

Q. How did the dumb blonde get fired from the M&M

company?

A. She threw away all the ones that said "w" on

them!

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?

A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Q. How do you know a blonde has been using the

computer?

A. There is cheese in front of the mouse!

Q. What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in

common?

A. They both have a black box.

Q. What do you call a Volkswagon full of blondes?

A. Farfromthinkin

Q. What do you call a fly, flying in a blonde's

head?

A. A space invader.

Q. What strikes a blonde and she doesn't even know it?

A. A thought.

Q. Why did the blonde drive around the block 28

times?

A. Her right turn signal was stuck.

There was a blond, a brunette, and a redhead riding in a

car, and they ran a stop sign and a cop started chasing

them. So they got a little farther ahead and saw three

burlap bags lying in the ditch. They stopped the car and

each of them got into one of the bags. Now, the cop

caught up with them and saw the empty car and the three

bags. So he went up to the bag with the brunette in it

and kicked it. The brunette said "meow, meow", and the

cop said, "oh, there's a kitty in this bag. And he kicked

the one with the redhead in it and she said, "arf, arf",

and the cop said aw, there's a puppy in this bag.

Finally, he went up to the bag with the blond in it and

kicked it and she said, "potato"

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off

her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her

legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake," says the

shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level

higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you

installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be

the one getting them out."

This brunette walked into this shoe store for

blondes and she noticed that TGIF was on all the shoes,

she walked up to the sales clerk and said Gee, blondes

must really like Fridays! The clerk said why do you say

that? The brunette said because TGIF is on all the shoes!

The clerk said Nope that stands for TOES GO IN

FIRST!!!

A painting cotracter was speaking to a woman about

a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He

wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled

"GREEN SIDE UP." They walked into the second room and

she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that

down, went to the window opened it and yelled, "GREEN

SIDE UP." The woman was curious but didn't say anything.

They walked into the third room and she said she wanted

a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went

to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP."

Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that

out the window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a

crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

There was a fire at the blond's house and she

decided to call 911. So she call's 911 all upset and

crying " You have to come over and help me my house is on

fire." The fireman says "Ok, lady calm down, How do we

get there?" The blond states " DUH?? The BIG RED TRUCK.

There were three people traped on an island: a

blond,a brunette,and a redhead.

The redhead looked across the water and estimates the

distance to be about 20 miles, so she announces that she

is going to try to swim across. She swims 5 miles and

gets tired. She swims 5 more before she gets to tired and

drowns. The brunette thinks to herself, "I wonder if I

can make it." Out loud she says, "I guess it's better

than staying here to starve." So she tries to swim out.

She has more endurance than the redhead and she swims 10

miles before she's even tires. She swims 5 more before

she drowns. The blond says, "I wonder if they made it?

I guess I better try." So she swims 5,10,19 miles!

Just 1 mile from shore she says, "I'm just too tired!" So

she turns around and swims back.

A Blond goes to a company party and wins a thermos

for the doorprize. she asks her co-worker, "What's a

thermos?" He says "It keeps hot things hot and cold

things cold." "Oh!" The next day at work, she brings it

with her. Her boss, who is also a

blond, says "What's that?" The Blond says "It's a

thermos." Her boss asks her, "What's that?" She says "It

keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Her boss asks

her, "What do you have in it?" The blond says, "Two cups

of coffee and a pop-sickle."

A blonde was walking on the opposite of the river

from a brunette. The brunette yells across to the

blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde hesitates, looks back and replies, "You

ARE on the other side!"

A blonde is at the library, she opens a book and

says "what are these funny markings on the paper?" The

librarian says, "Words."

Blonde: do you have any picture books?

Blonde: I can't tell what the "w u r d s" mean.

Librarian: Oh, well we have the children books.

Blonde: No.

Librarian: We have books with pictures of guys.

Blonde: Why all I have to do to see guys is flip up my

mini skirt and wait for a while and they come to my door.

The blond bimbo was at the blood bank and sold a

pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a

man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked

if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she

did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day

the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist

asked if she was there to donate blood. The blond could

only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.

1 night at a local bar a brunett,a redhead,and a

blonde walked in and ordered a drink. The readhead walked

in and asked the bartender"Can I have an rw?"The

bartender asked "What the hell is an rw?"she replyed"Red

Wine,DUH."So she drank and left.Then the brunette walked

in and ordered a ww.The bartender asked what that was and

she replyed "DUH White Wine."Then the blonde walked in

and ordered a 15 .The bartender asked what that was and

she replyed "Duh a 7 and 7!

There were a blonde and a brunette driving and the

brunette goes to the blonde"go check my blinker!"

"Does it work?"

Blonde:

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

There were 2 blondes in a movie theater. The first

blonde says to the second, "The man next to me is

masturbating." The second says, " ignore him." The first

says, "I can't, he's using my hand!"

Three Blondes sitting at a bar. The were all

chanting over and over "51 days...yes....51

days"...They were all so happy with each other. The

bartender was starting to become a bit curios when this

occured for quite a period of time. He asked "You have

been sitting here for 3 hours and all you say is 51

days...tell me why would three young ladies be sitting at a bar

chanting 51 days ?" "Well" replied on the girls "We today we

completed a jigsaw puzzle that took us 51 days" "So!" replied the

bartender. "Well...on the box it says 3 - 5 years !"

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a

coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs

away to get some more coins. She returns and starts

feeding the machine madly and of course the machine

keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches

her

antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and

asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins

around and shouts: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and

watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the

ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00

that the man jumps off that building and commits

suicide." The blonde thinks for a moment then replies:

"OK, you're on!" They watch for a few minutes and sure

enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde

sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops

her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too

guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M.

news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news

too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!"

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they

were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing

about the pronunciation of the town. They argued

back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they

stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager,

"Before we order, could you please settle an

argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we

are,...very slowly?" The manager leaned over the

counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a

car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the

driver to roll down her window. The first thing he

noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot

the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see

your drivers license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly

giving away the fact that she was as

dumb as a stump..

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the

officer.

After fumbling for few minutes, the driver managed

to find it.

"Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that.....?" asked the

blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the

cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the

registration.

"I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and

walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on

the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the

dispatcher

"Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give

her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..."

exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the

license and registration and drops his pants,

just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down

and sighs.....

"Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day.

They saw a set of tracks. They started

arguing over what kind of tracks they were:

Blonde one: "they're deer tracks!"

Blonde two: "they're dog tracks"

Blonde three: "they're cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

There are 3 women who are in the army; A Blonde, Brunette

and Redhead and their general asks them if they went into

the desert and could only take one thing, what would it

be?

Well the Brunetter says I would take an umbrella so

I wont get hot. The General says ok that is good.

The Redhead says I would take a watermellon because

I could eat it and drink the juices on it too. The

General says ok that is good.

Then he asks the Blonde what she would take and she

says " I would take a car door" The General says, "Why in

the heck would you take a car door??"

The Blonde says, "So if I get hot I can roll down

the window."

Two blondes are observed in a parking lot trying to

unlock the door of their BMW.

Blonde #1: I cant seem to get this door unlocked.

Blonde #2: Well, you better hurry up. It's starting

to rain and the top is down!

Blondes idea of a blow job